Acceptance

Ok, so hopefully this is one of the last emails you'll get from me regarding this subject.

While I was home yesterday my Mom told me she had a collage of pictures of Kate from the wedding. I took it back with me yesterday so I could give it back to Kate.

I already wanted to talk to Kate about the annulment and how I was finding out about all the news about her. i.e. Boyfriend, boyfriend moving in, joint bank account, pregnancy, marriage, & most recently the annulment. So I spent the ride home calling all of you trying to delay the inevitable. But damn it's a long ride back to Oshkosh. So I make the call, we agree that I'll stop over on my way home.

The rest of the trip goes by fairly quick. I kind of space out for a while as Grandma's weekend catches up with me. Next thing I know I'm turning down her road. I get nervous but I'm confident she'll see my side and I'll walk away feeling good.

We exchange pleasantries and then start really talking. I start off by saying that I’m disappointed that I’ve been finding out about pregnancy and annulment from other people. That I thought we had agreed to inform each other of this kind of news so we didn't hear it "from the grapevine". She acknowledged we agreed to that and then went on the defensive. She said she was sorry I found out that way but she wouldn't have changed the timing of when she told me. She couldn't help it that her friend "blabbed to her sister and her sister told me."

It was right then I realized that she was an extremely selfish person and is not capable of giving me the respect I deserve and desire from my friends.

I told her that I'll stop expecting her to inform me of any news. That the reason I was disappointed was because that I thought we were trying to respect each other's feelings. She said she does care about my feelings but wasn't ready to tell me about the pregnancy and isn't moving forward with the annulment at this time so she didn't think it was necessary to tell me.

Yet another wave of relief comes over me that I do not need to deal with this type of logic/selfishness anymore!!

I ask what her reason for the annulment was going to be. To which she tells me that the annulment advisor at the church says they can make something out of nothing. That she was thinking of saying that we just grew apart. I corrected her and said "you grew apart." To which she agreed. Then I asked who the witnesses were going to be, that would testify that out marriage wasn't worthy to be recognized by the church anymore. She danced around this question but wouldn't give me names. She kept saying that too much else is going on and again reiterated that they were not moving forward with the annulment at this time. I decided to let it go because we were starting to go around in a circle with this conversation and nothing good was going to come out of it.

The conversation moved on and we decided that whenever we see each other we'll talk and update each other of pertinent information. No more expectations of hearing it from the other person first. (I know this is dumb to an outside party but it helped me) However I did ask if there was anything else that she thought I should know.

She started talking about the wedding ring. She was like "per the divorce documents the ring was mine" and that they took it back to the Shane Co. and received store credit and bought a new ring with it. (You were right Andy that she did already hock it) I thought to myself, so in a way I bought this wedding ring too. I smile when I think this, don't know why? However initially it pissed me off. I told her that when I heard she wanted an annulment that my first reaction was to ask for the ring back. She seemed shocked that I would do that. I did follow up by saying "I need to let that feeling go. I gave that ring to you for all the right reasons. I had a lot of fun with the whole process of buying the ring and giving it to you. It wasn't just a ring to me but something that represented many memories, many good memories!" She said in a perfect world she would have kept the ring because it was special to her too but that the world isn't perfect. (They are remodeling the kitchen and all the bedrooms so I'm guessing that's where the money is going)

I believe this broke down the wall she had up for the previous part of our conversation. She suddenly relaxed and sat back in her chair and started talking to me like a friend.

It was hard to hear about the ring but I'm glad I know because now I can stop thinking about it.

I then went on to tell her that I was depressed. She always questioned whether or not I was really depressed. I don't get why she couldn't believe it. (My guess is that if she did believe it that she'd have to think about how she walked away from me when I was sick needed her most.) She didn't believe I was because I'd go to curling or volleyball. So I told her that I have been clinically diagnosed as depressed. That they offered me drugs and the whole nine yards. Details she may have not needed to know but I needed to tell her. I told her that I'm doing really well now and am having a damn good time with life these days. She said she could tell that I had changed. Made me feel good!

I felt a sense of closure at this point that I had not ever felt before.

We then discussed what was going on in our families and friends. It was a nice easy going conversation. I also realized why she was moving so fast. Her Addison's disease is going to kill her ovaries sooner than later. She really wanted kids. I'm not saying I agree with how fast she moved or think it's a very good idea but see her side and saw how scared she is about it. It was the first time I felt empathy for her is well over a year.

I walked away feeling good. She didn't see my point of view, but I realized it's not possible for her to. Doesn't make it right but I have a better grasp on the situation.

I still have spent the day thinking about it but I don't have the bitter taste that I did before. It's weird not to have the anger anymore. I lived with it for so long.

Acceptance for real this time!

Thanks for being there for me throughout this long healing process. Your support has really helped me more than you'll ever know!! I'm not saying it's completely over but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction again.