Acceptance

Ok, so hopefully this is one of the last emails you'll get from me regarding this subject.

While I was home yesterday my Mom told me she had a collage of pictures of Kate from the wedding. I took it back with me yesterday so I could give it back to Kate.

I already wanted to talk to Kate about the annulment and how I was finding out about all the news about her. i.e. Boyfriend, boyfriend moving in, joint bank account, pregnancy, marriage, & most recently the annulment. So I spent the ride home calling all of you trying to delay the inevitable. But damn it's a long ride back to Oshkosh. So I make the call, we agree that I'll stop over on my way home.

The rest of the trip goes by fairly quick. I kind of space out for a while as Grandma's weekend catches up with me. Next thing I know I'm turning down her road. I get nervous but I'm confident she'll see my side and I'll walk away feeling good.

We exchange pleasantries and then start really talking. I start off by saying that I’m disappointed that I’ve been finding out about pregnancy and annulment from other people. That I thought we had agreed to inform each other of this kind of news so we didn't hear it "from the grapevine". She acknowledged we agreed to that and then went on the defensive. She said she was sorry I found out that way but she wouldn't have changed the timing of when she told me. She couldn't help it that her friend "blabbed to her sister and her sister told me."

It was right then I realized that she was an extremely selfish person and is not capable of giving me the respect I deserve and desire from my friends.

I told her that I'll stop expecting her to inform me of any news. That the reason I was disappointed was because that I thought we were trying to respect each other's feelings. She said she does care about my feelings but wasn't ready to tell me about the pregnancy and isn't moving forward with the annulment at this time so she didn't think it was necessary to tell me.

Yet another wave of relief comes over me that I do not need to deal with this type of logic/selfishness anymore!!

I ask what her reason for the annulment was going to be. To which she tells me that the annulment advisor at the church says they can make something out of nothing. That she was thinking of saying that we just grew apart. I corrected her and said "you grew apart." To which she agreed. Then I asked who the witnesses were going to be, that would testify that out marriage wasn't worthy to be recognized by the church anymore. She danced around this question but wouldn't give me names. She kept saying that too much else is going on and again reiterated that they were not moving forward with the annulment at this time. I decided to let it go because we were starting to go around in a circle with this conversation and nothing good was going to come out of it.

The conversation moved on and we decided that whenever we see each other we'll talk and update each other of pertinent information. No more expectations of hearing it from the other person first. (I know this is dumb to an outside party but it helped me) However I did ask if there was anything else that she thought I should know.

She started talking about the wedding ring. She was like "per the divorce documents the ring was mine" and that they took it back to the Shane Co. and received store credit and bought a new ring with it. (You were right Andy that she did already hock it) I thought to myself, so in a way I bought this wedding ring too. I smile when I think this, don't know why? However initially it pissed me off. I told her that when I heard she wanted an annulment that my first reaction was to ask for the ring back. She seemed shocked that I would do that. I did follow up by saying "I need to let that feeling go. I gave that ring to you for all the right reasons. I had a lot of fun with the whole process of buying the ring and giving it to you. It wasn't just a ring to me but something that represented many memories, many good memories!" She said in a perfect world she would have kept the ring because it was special to her too but that the world isn't perfect. (They are remodeling the kitchen and all the bedrooms so I'm guessing that's where the money is going)

I believe this broke down the wall she had up for the previous part of our conversation. She suddenly relaxed and sat back in her chair and started talking to me like a friend.

It was hard to hear about the ring but I'm glad I know because now I can stop thinking about it.

I then went on to tell her that I was depressed. She always questioned whether or not I was really depressed. I don't get why she couldn't believe it. (My guess is that if she did believe it that she'd have to think about how she walked away from me when I was sick needed her most.) She didn't believe I was because I'd go to curling or volleyball. So I told her that I have been clinically diagnosed as depressed. That they offered me drugs and the whole nine yards. Details she may have not needed to know but I needed to tell her. I told her that I'm doing really well now and am having a damn good time with life these days. She said she could tell that I had changed. Made me feel good!

I felt a sense of closure at this point that I had not ever felt before.

We then discussed what was going on in our families and friends. It was a nice easy going conversation. I also realized why she was moving so fast. Her Addison's disease is going to kill her ovaries sooner than later. She really wanted kids. I'm not saying I agree with how fast she moved or think it's a very good idea but see her side and saw how scared she is about it. It was the first time I felt empathy for her is well over a year.

I walked away feeling good. She didn't see my point of view, but I realized it's not possible for her to. Doesn't make it right but I have a better grasp on the situation.

I still have spent the day thinking about it but I don't have the bitter taste that I did before. It's weird not to have the anger anymore. I lived with it for so long.

Acceptance for real this time!

Thanks for being there for me throughout this long healing process. Your support has really helped me more than you'll ever know!! I'm not saying it's completely over but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction again.

So we need to talk...

I could tell in the tone of her vaoice that she wanted to tell me something. What could it be I thought? Is she getting re-married already? No! It's too soon for that I thought. I mean they already moved in together but that was because they were both in financial trouble. Well apparently he is not. He just bought her a new car. Something i could never do and she made that very clear.

So what is she going to tell me I thought as I listened to her voicemail. I could sense it in her voice. SHE'S PREGNANT I shouted in my head. Then i dreamnt about it. She is pregnant but I'm not going to call her.

I go and get my haircut over lunch. She is the sister of my ex's best friend. I ask how her sister is doing and then the bomb drops. Kate is pregnant. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING HELL DID SHE SAY! She saw the look in my eyes, I didn't know, but I kinda did know.

I call her back because I need to hear it from her. Voicemail "Hey I believe you asked me to call you back so hear I am. Give me a call when you have a chance"

I get the call, she tells me that she is almost done with the paperwork she said she'd have done months ago. Yeah big deal, get on with I'm thinking.

Oh the voice change, here is comes...I'm pregnant. You are? i say in my best acting voice. What I left off that sentence is "a slut ho bag" but if you don't say it out loud it doesn't really count right? I'm nice and say congratulations and I wish you healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. Which is true, that wasn't a lie. I am proud of muself for that comment.

Then she speaks down to me...When you are in your next relationship blah blah blah...If you could see us together, you'd see that we really are gonna work out. In my head i thought, that's what they said about us. But that didn't turn out so well.

It was one year ago this weekend she told me she wanted a divorce. Right after her trip to Mexico with 2 other friends. Right before she left for Mexico we talked about having kids. I kinda wanted my first kid to be someone elses first kid too.

Why

Why can't i get my life back to normal?

Why don't I know what normal is?

Why can't I motivate myself to do the following:
Laundry
Cook
Exercise
Clean

Why is my confidence so low when I am the following:
Compassionate
Oddly attractive
Funny
Athletic
Fun to be around
Good listener
Caring
Good friend
Attentive to one's needs
Great guy
Honest
Respectful
Hard working

Why do I hate my life?

Why do I say I hate my life? I do like some things. I just hate the situation that was thrusted upon me.

Holy Shit

Holy Shit it's been a long time since I've wrote on this thing. I don;t know why I stopped. it really helped and I wanted to use it to track progress. How I was getting on with life and how I am a better person now and all that jazz.

Holy Shit I thought I'd be over her by now. Or at least thought her actions wouldn't effect me anymore. She is already living with her new boyfriend and they have a joint checking account. WTF?

Holy Shit I am not taking care of myself. There have been many days I don't eat anything until 6 or 7 pm. And then it's only a sleeve of saltines.

Holy Shit I have some good friends who constantly listen to me and still offer support!

Holy Shit I hate being single.

Holy Shit I don't know how to meet single girls. Any ideas?

Holy Shit I am happier though!

Whoopee cushion

I've slowly started to accept the divorce as a reality. It still hurts and i can't believe it's happening. But some good things have happened. Work hired me on as a real employee so I can get benefits in January. School is going OK, as good as it can be with all that has happened this semester. I'm still going to counseling and it's going well. It helps every time I go. I'm closer with all my friends and I'm glad to say my family too. I'm more assertive with everyone and everyone still seems to like me.

My counselor told me that I should get out every now and then. I do that but for some reason on Halloween I wasn't into it. I was depressed that week. But my old neighbor insisted i come out. He had a costume for me to wear. I thought that it wouldn't fit me. I've really let myself go Since January. I'm a large guy anyway but now I'm a XL guy living comfortably in a XXL body. That makes no sense! I just can't tell if it's funny.
So I look at my phone, it's 8:43. I convince myself to go out. I figure if nothing else I'll see some femininas in some nice revealing costumes. I text him, to see where he's at. Come to Mable's, we're in the back playing darts. I find some jeans underneath a pile of clothes. I haven't done laundry in 3.5 weeks minus a load of socks & underwear and my folks house. I find sweatshirt, wrinkled as hell. looks good to me, I throw on a hat and I'm out the door. I looked like shit. I remember looking in the mirror saying to myself that I need to start working out. I'm noticeably thicker than I used to be. But i figure i have a good excuse and I really don't care.
I get to Mable's and find them playing darts in the back. There with a girl I swear I've seen before. but i can't place it, who cares I think. They introduce us, I put my hand out to shake it and she looks at me like I'm an idiot. She reluctantly shakes it. Then I'm told she is a bitch for Halloween. Then i realize that she and I are the only ones in the bar not dressed in a costume. We take comfort in that. I order a Miller Lite.
I hop in the next game of Darts, me & Ace Ventura totally dominate the Janitor from Scrubs and her. One lemon drop coming up. It's going to be a good evening, I think. The janitor calls me up to the bar and there is Elliot from Scrubs. The janitor introduces me, i say something dumb like "The whole cast is here" Elliot looked good, as I walk back I think I should have said "Wow, you're even prettier in person!" That would've been money. I'm glad I'm at least thinking of these things i tell myself. Man I'm glad I came out.
We switch dart teams. Now it's Ace & Janitor vs the non-costumed duo. The bar is getting more crowded. Ace & Janitor totally kick our butts. We acknowledge the fact we don't work well together. Another shot, I believe it was a red-headed slut.
The bar is too crowded to play darts now so we gather at a nearby table. She turns to me and says "Tell me something about yourself" to which I promptly reply "Ummmmmm" It's weird cause I remember thinking why am I saying Hmmmmmmm? "...mmmm I'm going back to school" Small talk for a while.
She asks me what brought me to the area and I say my "Ex-wife" I can't believe i just said that!
It comes up that she qualified for Boston Marathon. I say my friend also qualified and is running it this year. She asks me if he needs a training partner. I had no idea but I said I'd find out and let the Janitor know and he could tell you. She says "Or I could just give you my number, you're not too quick about these things are you?" I still didn't realize what was going on. So I just took the number and entered it into my phone.
OK, it's time to switch bars. I'm pretty buzzed up. Give me that costume I say to Ace. Sure as shit, it's a damn whoopee cushion costume and it fits!! I put it on without thinking what other people will think. The new me is coming out, I love it!!
We go the next place and I'm getting hugs. I didn't realize the costume said to squeeze me. Some cowgirl tells me to make the costume work. I told her I'm not drunk enough yet. She shoots me with her cap gun. Then it hits me that she meant make a farting noise! Damn I'm fucking slow tonight. So I start hamming up every time I get a squeeze. It made the night enjoyable.
Time warp happens. We hit like 3 more bars, had a few more shots, and beers. I am now drunk as is the runner.
The runner tells me that she is hungry and that she is going to get something and just leaves. I thought it was weird. So I tell the Janitor. I thought the Janitor and the Runner were starting a relationship. I knew the Janitor like the Runner. I didn't know that he had liked her for 4 years and she did not want anything more than friendship from him.
The Janitor and Runner come back in. The Runner yells at me "You need to quit comparing girls to your ex-wife!" I say "What!?! Am I?" I really didn't think I was. She grabs my arm and says lets go talk outside.

On our way out I say "I really don't want a divorce lecture tonight!" She said it wasn't going to be. I stop walking by the garbage can. "Not here!" WHACK! "You need help," she tells me. I get really nervous all of the sudden.

I think she wants to make out.

I can't make out with anybody! I still might get back together with my wife. I promised myself I wouldn't until I was divorced.

She points to the curb across the street and we sit down. As I try to sit I fall over backward. I'm hammered. OMG, she does want to make out! Fuck I'm nervous. I'm not ready for these feelings. Shit I want to, I'm so lonely. I look up at the road.

WHACK! She hit me right across my chest. Right then I realize she had leaned in to kiss me. However someone was parallel parking where we were sitting and we were about to get run over. We quickly get up.

"Come here" she says as she grabs my hand. She stands on a small retaining wall so we are looking eye to eye. She has really pretty brown eyes I think to myself. FUCK!!! Wait, focus you can't do this! I think to myself, Jesus Christ I'm wearing a Whoopee Cushion costume. This is going to be a good story. She grabs me and pulls me in. "I CAN'T" I shout. "I'm not divorced yet and the janitor likes you" She tells me how she does not like the Janitor and how I'm the first guy she has found attractive in a while. God that makes me feel good. Should i kiss now? No I tell myself. "Do you not think I'm attractive?" she asks. I reply "Dear lord NO! I don't know you very well but you seem really cool and if we made out tonight you'd just be a rebound. You're too cool to be a rebound. I'm just not ready, I'm really flattered but I'm not ready" "Do you think we can be Friends?" she asks. I go back to being drunk

Holy Shit!!! I might not be single for the rest of my life. I did agree we should be friends and just should go out for drinks. We go back in the bar arm in arm.

The Janitor gives me the stink eye when we get back in. She goes to him and I go to talk to Ace and his special lady friend, Sandy from Grease, who just joined us. I'm in shock!

The Runner lights up a smoke as we are about to leave the bar. I ask "Does that help your running?" She seems relieved that I'm talking to her. I think she is embarrassed but that quickly fades.

We go back to Mabel's and grab a table. I see a sign that says Chuck Norris shots. I must have one. We ended up getting like 5 Chuck Norris shots. Each time I recite as many facts as I can remember. Which was a lot because people were amazed. I remember weird things. I'm sitting silently, I can't believe what just happened. I start to realize this feeling that is coming over me. It's happiness. I have not felt it in so long. I forgot what it was like to feel good.

The Runner keeps grabbing my arm and looking at me. She finally asks "Are you going to call me?" I say "Yes" She asked about 10 more times that evening just to make sure. Each time i said yes. Then she tells me that she told her mom about me and asked if that scares me. i say "No" She said she is really close to her Mom. I think to myself that it's weird that I've found another chick who is really close to her Mom. But I'm too happy to put more thought into it. Damn I'm glad i went out tonight!

All I know is that I woke up with a smile on my face for the first time since the end of May

The first night alone

The move out went well. It went quick and without much emotion for some reason. I think I was numb. My parents and sister were awesome!! I can't or haven't said it enough.
JB and I went to dinner and then out to the bars for some darts. We made it an early night. He left early Sunday morning. I was alone.
What is a guy to do?
What a golf tournament? Yes, count me in. I get plastered. I mean special drunk. I did not want to think about my shitty ass life at all today. This was the worst day of my life. I was living alone for the first time in my life.
Self medication is getting old, yet I can't stop. I have loved this girl since 1997. She knows it too. I'd do anything for her but it's not enough. Why is my best not enough? She hasn't even seen my best yet. For some reason I have more self confidence that I ever have. That is not saying much it's a start anyway.
Why doesn't she want to see what I have to give anymore? Shit, I am single. A 30 year old intern who is going back to college and is soon to be divorced. I'm balding, 30 pounds overweight with self confidence issues.
"Hey ladies, the live starts over here to my right"
At least I still have my sense of humor, which is fading with everyday I don't speak to someone in person.
Life sucks!

The last night

My 3 best friends can't/won't make it to the overall city for the move out! Am I that shitty of a friend? I guess I didn't make it obvious that I need friends this weekend. JB is coming though. Why the fuck is JB coming? I've been a shitty friend to him since he quit drinking. Fuck, JB will drive us, he don't mind. I never made a point of seeing him in the last few years when I went back to MN. But he is coming. He's leaving at 4:30am, that's a friend right there.
I tell her that this is it. The marriage is over starting tomorrow. She tells me that it's been over for a while now. We agree to disagree for the sake of not arguing tonight. Will we have sex one last time? It's been since May. It's the week after labor day now. We start to pack my things. She has the kitchen already separated. We go the basement. We are done in 2 hours and we start to talk. It's nice to talk to her now. She is happier knowing I'll be gone tomorrow. She tries to go to bed.
We hug. I don't want to let go. She tries to leave, I squeeze tighter. This is probably the hug she always wanted from me that I never gave her until now. I know once I let go the marriage is over! I let go and with tears in my eyes say goodnight and go downstairs to cry and punch the air.
I made a 6 song CD and put it in her car for her to listen to. It was my goodbye CD to her. It was a poor effort but I didn't have much time anymore. The next day she was going to meet a "friend" who is a guy. She was staying at his house cause he lives near the Dells. Why did she have to tell me that? How could she move on already? And on the day I move out.
Somehow I fall asleep in the house that I thought I'd live in for at least the next 10 years. Tomorrow is going to suck.