The first night alone

The move out went well. It went quick and without much emotion for some reason. I think I was numb. My parents and sister were awesome!! I can't or haven't said it enough.
JB and I went to dinner and then out to the bars for some darts. We made it an early night. He left early Sunday morning. I was alone.
What is a guy to do?
What a golf tournament? Yes, count me in. I get plastered. I mean special drunk. I did not want to think about my shitty ass life at all today. This was the worst day of my life. I was living alone for the first time in my life.
Self medication is getting old, yet I can't stop. I have loved this girl since 1997. She knows it too. I'd do anything for her but it's not enough. Why is my best not enough? She hasn't even seen my best yet. For some reason I have more self confidence that I ever have. That is not saying much it's a start anyway.
Why doesn't she want to see what I have to give anymore? Shit, I am single. A 30 year old intern who is going back to college and is soon to be divorced. I'm balding, 30 pounds overweight with self confidence issues.
"Hey ladies, the live starts over here to my right"
At least I still have my sense of humor, which is fading with everyday I don't speak to someone in person.
Life sucks!