Whoopee cushion

I've slowly started to accept the divorce as a reality. It still hurts and i can't believe it's happening. But some good things have happened. Work hired me on as a real employee so I can get benefits in January. School is going OK, as good as it can be with all that has happened this semester. I'm still going to counseling and it's going well. It helps every time I go. I'm closer with all my friends and I'm glad to say my family too. I'm more assertive with everyone and everyone still seems to like me.

My counselor told me that I should get out every now and then. I do that but for some reason on Halloween I wasn't into it. I was depressed that week. But my old neighbor insisted i come out. He had a costume for me to wear. I thought that it wouldn't fit me. I've really let myself go Since January. I'm a large guy anyway but now I'm a XL guy living comfortably in a XXL body. That makes no sense! I just can't tell if it's funny.
So I look at my phone, it's 8:43. I convince myself to go out. I figure if nothing else I'll see some femininas in some nice revealing costumes. I text him, to see where he's at. Come to Mable's, we're in the back playing darts. I find some jeans underneath a pile of clothes. I haven't done laundry in 3.5 weeks minus a load of socks & underwear and my folks house. I find sweatshirt, wrinkled as hell. looks good to me, I throw on a hat and I'm out the door. I looked like shit. I remember looking in the mirror saying to myself that I need to start working out. I'm noticeably thicker than I used to be. But i figure i have a good excuse and I really don't care.
I get to Mable's and find them playing darts in the back. There with a girl I swear I've seen before. but i can't place it, who cares I think. They introduce us, I put my hand out to shake it and she looks at me like I'm an idiot. She reluctantly shakes it. Then I'm told she is a bitch for Halloween. Then i realize that she and I are the only ones in the bar not dressed in a costume. We take comfort in that. I order a Miller Lite.
I hop in the next game of Darts, me & Ace Ventura totally dominate the Janitor from Scrubs and her. One lemon drop coming up. It's going to be a good evening, I think. The janitor calls me up to the bar and there is Elliot from Scrubs. The janitor introduces me, i say something dumb like "The whole cast is here" Elliot looked good, as I walk back I think I should have said "Wow, you're even prettier in person!" That would've been money. I'm glad I'm at least thinking of these things i tell myself. Man I'm glad I came out.
We switch dart teams. Now it's Ace & Janitor vs the non-costumed duo. The bar is getting more crowded. Ace & Janitor totally kick our butts. We acknowledge the fact we don't work well together. Another shot, I believe it was a red-headed slut.
The bar is too crowded to play darts now so we gather at a nearby table. She turns to me and says "Tell me something about yourself" to which I promptly reply "Ummmmmm" It's weird cause I remember thinking why am I saying Hmmmmmmm? "...mmmm I'm going back to school" Small talk for a while.
She asks me what brought me to the area and I say my "Ex-wife" I can't believe i just said that!
It comes up that she qualified for Boston Marathon. I say my friend also qualified and is running it this year. She asks me if he needs a training partner. I had no idea but I said I'd find out and let the Janitor know and he could tell you. She says "Or I could just give you my number, you're not too quick about these things are you?" I still didn't realize what was going on. So I just took the number and entered it into my phone.
OK, it's time to switch bars. I'm pretty buzzed up. Give me that costume I say to Ace. Sure as shit, it's a damn whoopee cushion costume and it fits!! I put it on without thinking what other people will think. The new me is coming out, I love it!!
We go the next place and I'm getting hugs. I didn't realize the costume said to squeeze me. Some cowgirl tells me to make the costume work. I told her I'm not drunk enough yet. She shoots me with her cap gun. Then it hits me that she meant make a farting noise! Damn I'm fucking slow tonight. So I start hamming up every time I get a squeeze. It made the night enjoyable.
Time warp happens. We hit like 3 more bars, had a few more shots, and beers. I am now drunk as is the runner.
The runner tells me that she is hungry and that she is going to get something and just leaves. I thought it was weird. So I tell the Janitor. I thought the Janitor and the Runner were starting a relationship. I knew the Janitor like the Runner. I didn't know that he had liked her for 4 years and she did not want anything more than friendship from him.
The Janitor and Runner come back in. The Runner yells at me "You need to quit comparing girls to your ex-wife!" I say "What!?! Am I?" I really didn't think I was. She grabs my arm and says lets go talk outside.

On our way out I say "I really don't want a divorce lecture tonight!" She said it wasn't going to be. I stop walking by the garbage can. "Not here!" WHACK! "You need help," she tells me. I get really nervous all of the sudden.

I think she wants to make out.

I can't make out with anybody! I still might get back together with my wife. I promised myself I wouldn't until I was divorced.

She points to the curb across the street and we sit down. As I try to sit I fall over backward. I'm hammered. OMG, she does want to make out! Fuck I'm nervous. I'm not ready for these feelings. Shit I want to, I'm so lonely. I look up at the road.

WHACK! She hit me right across my chest. Right then I realize she had leaned in to kiss me. However someone was parallel parking where we were sitting and we were about to get run over. We quickly get up.

"Come here" she says as she grabs my hand. She stands on a small retaining wall so we are looking eye to eye. She has really pretty brown eyes I think to myself. FUCK!!! Wait, focus you can't do this! I think to myself, Jesus Christ I'm wearing a Whoopee Cushion costume. This is going to be a good story. She grabs me and pulls me in. "I CAN'T" I shout. "I'm not divorced yet and the janitor likes you" She tells me how she does not like the Janitor and how I'm the first guy she has found attractive in a while. God that makes me feel good. Should i kiss now? No I tell myself. "Do you not think I'm attractive?" she asks. I reply "Dear lord NO! I don't know you very well but you seem really cool and if we made out tonight you'd just be a rebound. You're too cool to be a rebound. I'm just not ready, I'm really flattered but I'm not ready" "Do you think we can be Friends?" she asks. I go back to being drunk

Holy Shit!!! I might not be single for the rest of my life. I did agree we should be friends and just should go out for drinks. We go back in the bar arm in arm.

The Janitor gives me the stink eye when we get back in. She goes to him and I go to talk to Ace and his special lady friend, Sandy from Grease, who just joined us. I'm in shock!

The Runner lights up a smoke as we are about to leave the bar. I ask "Does that help your running?" She seems relieved that I'm talking to her. I think she is embarrassed but that quickly fades.

We go back to Mabel's and grab a table. I see a sign that says Chuck Norris shots. I must have one. We ended up getting like 5 Chuck Norris shots. Each time I recite as many facts as I can remember. Which was a lot because people were amazed. I remember weird things. I'm sitting silently, I can't believe what just happened. I start to realize this feeling that is coming over me. It's happiness. I have not felt it in so long. I forgot what it was like to feel good.

The Runner keeps grabbing my arm and looking at me. She finally asks "Are you going to call me?" I say "Yes" She asked about 10 more times that evening just to make sure. Each time i said yes. Then she tells me that she told her mom about me and asked if that scares me. i say "No" She said she is really close to her Mom. I think to myself that it's weird that I've found another chick who is really close to her Mom. But I'm too happy to put more thought into it. Damn I'm glad i went out tonight!

All I know is that I woke up with a smile on my face for the first time since the end of May