Whoopee cushion

I've slowly started to accept the divorce as a reality. It still hurts and i can't believe it's happening. But some good things have happened. Work hired me on as a real employee so I can get benefits in January. School is going OK, as good as it can be with all that has happened this semester. I'm still going to counseling and it's going well. It helps every time I go. I'm closer with all my friends and I'm glad to say my family too. I'm more assertive with everyone and everyone still seems to like me.

My counselor told me that I should get out every now and then. I do that but for some reason on Halloween I wasn't into it. I was depressed that week. But my old neighbor insisted i come out. He had a costume for me to wear. I thought that it wouldn't fit me. I've really let myself go Since January. I'm a large guy anyway but now I'm a XL guy living comfortably in a XXL body. That makes no sense! I just can't tell if it's funny.
So I look at my phone, it's 8:43. I convince myself to go out. I figure if nothing else I'll see some femininas in some nice revealing costumes. I text him, to see where he's at. Come to Mable's, we're in the back playing darts. I find some jeans underneath a pile of clothes. I haven't done laundry in 3.5 weeks minus a load of socks & underwear and my folks house. I find sweatshirt, wrinkled as hell. looks good to me, I throw on a hat and I'm out the door. I looked like shit. I remember looking in the mirror saying to myself that I need to start working out. I'm noticeably thicker than I used to be. But i figure i have a good excuse and I really don't care.
I get to Mable's and find them playing darts in the back. There with a girl I swear I've seen before. but i can't place it, who cares I think. They introduce us, I put my hand out to shake it and she looks at me like I'm an idiot. She reluctantly shakes it. Then I'm told she is a bitch for Halloween. Then i realize that she and I are the only ones in the bar not dressed in a costume. We take comfort in that. I order a Miller Lite.
I hop in the next game of Darts, me & Ace Ventura totally dominate the Janitor from Scrubs and her. One lemon drop coming up. It's going to be a good evening, I think. The janitor calls me up to the bar and there is Elliot from Scrubs. The janitor introduces me, i say something dumb like "The whole cast is here" Elliot looked good, as I walk back I think I should have said "Wow, you're even prettier in person!" That would've been money. I'm glad I'm at least thinking of these things i tell myself. Man I'm glad I came out.
We switch dart teams. Now it's Ace & Janitor vs the non-costumed duo. The bar is getting more crowded. Ace & Janitor totally kick our butts. We acknowledge the fact we don't work well together. Another shot, I believe it was a red-headed slut.
The bar is too crowded to play darts now so we gather at a nearby table. She turns to me and says "Tell me something about yourself" to which I promptly reply "Ummmmmm" It's weird cause I remember thinking why am I saying Hmmmmmmm? "...mmmm I'm going back to school" Small talk for a while.
She asks me what brought me to the area and I say my "Ex-wife" I can't believe i just said that!
It comes up that she qualified for Boston Marathon. I say my friend also qualified and is running it this year. She asks me if he needs a training partner. I had no idea but I said I'd find out and let the Janitor know and he could tell you. She says "Or I could just give you my number, you're not too quick about these things are you?" I still didn't realize what was going on. So I just took the number and entered it into my phone.
OK, it's time to switch bars. I'm pretty buzzed up. Give me that costume I say to Ace. Sure as shit, it's a damn whoopee cushion costume and it fits!! I put it on without thinking what other people will think. The new me is coming out, I love it!!
We go the next place and I'm getting hugs. I didn't realize the costume said to squeeze me. Some cowgirl tells me to make the costume work. I told her I'm not drunk enough yet. She shoots me with her cap gun. Then it hits me that she meant make a farting noise! Damn I'm fucking slow tonight. So I start hamming up every time I get a squeeze. It made the night enjoyable.
Time warp happens. We hit like 3 more bars, had a few more shots, and beers. I am now drunk as is the runner.
The runner tells me that she is hungry and that she is going to get something and just leaves. I thought it was weird. So I tell the Janitor. I thought the Janitor and the Runner were starting a relationship. I knew the Janitor like the Runner. I didn't know that he had liked her for 4 years and she did not want anything more than friendship from him.
The Janitor and Runner come back in. The Runner yells at me "You need to quit comparing girls to your ex-wife!" I say "What!?! Am I?" I really didn't think I was. She grabs my arm and says lets go talk outside.

On our way out I say "I really don't want a divorce lecture tonight!" She said it wasn't going to be. I stop walking by the garbage can. "Not here!" WHACK! "You need help," she tells me. I get really nervous all of the sudden.

I think she wants to make out.

I can't make out with anybody! I still might get back together with my wife. I promised myself I wouldn't until I was divorced.

She points to the curb across the street and we sit down. As I try to sit I fall over backward. I'm hammered. OMG, she does want to make out! Fuck I'm nervous. I'm not ready for these feelings. Shit I want to, I'm so lonely. I look up at the road.

WHACK! She hit me right across my chest. Right then I realize she had leaned in to kiss me. However someone was parallel parking where we were sitting and we were about to get run over. We quickly get up.

"Come here" she says as she grabs my hand. She stands on a small retaining wall so we are looking eye to eye. She has really pretty brown eyes I think to myself. FUCK!!! Wait, focus you can't do this! I think to myself, Jesus Christ I'm wearing a Whoopee Cushion costume. This is going to be a good story. She grabs me and pulls me in. "I CAN'T" I shout. "I'm not divorced yet and the janitor likes you" She tells me how she does not like the Janitor and how I'm the first guy she has found attractive in a while. God that makes me feel good. Should i kiss now? No I tell myself. "Do you not think I'm attractive?" she asks. I reply "Dear lord NO! I don't know you very well but you seem really cool and if we made out tonight you'd just be a rebound. You're too cool to be a rebound. I'm just not ready, I'm really flattered but I'm not ready" "Do you think we can be Friends?" she asks. I go back to being drunk

Holy Shit!!! I might not be single for the rest of my life. I did agree we should be friends and just should go out for drinks. We go back in the bar arm in arm.

The Janitor gives me the stink eye when we get back in. She goes to him and I go to talk to Ace and his special lady friend, Sandy from Grease, who just joined us. I'm in shock!

The Runner lights up a smoke as we are about to leave the bar. I ask "Does that help your running?" She seems relieved that I'm talking to her. I think she is embarrassed but that quickly fades.

We go back to Mabel's and grab a table. I see a sign that says Chuck Norris shots. I must have one. We ended up getting like 5 Chuck Norris shots. Each time I recite as many facts as I can remember. Which was a lot because people were amazed. I remember weird things. I'm sitting silently, I can't believe what just happened. I start to realize this feeling that is coming over me. It's happiness. I have not felt it in so long. I forgot what it was like to feel good.

The Runner keeps grabbing my arm and looking at me. She finally asks "Are you going to call me?" I say "Yes" She asked about 10 more times that evening just to make sure. Each time i said yes. Then she tells me that she told her mom about me and asked if that scares me. i say "No" She said she is really close to her Mom. I think to myself that it's weird that I've found another chick who is really close to her Mom. But I'm too happy to put more thought into it. Damn I'm glad i went out tonight!

All I know is that I woke up with a smile on my face for the first time since the end of May

The first night alone

The move out went well. It went quick and without much emotion for some reason. I think I was numb. My parents and sister were awesome!! I can't or haven't said it enough.
JB and I went to dinner and then out to the bars for some darts. We made it an early night. He left early Sunday morning. I was alone.
What is a guy to do?
What a golf tournament? Yes, count me in. I get plastered. I mean special drunk. I did not want to think about my shitty ass life at all today. This was the worst day of my life. I was living alone for the first time in my life.
Self medication is getting old, yet I can't stop. I have loved this girl since 1997. She knows it too. I'd do anything for her but it's not enough. Why is my best not enough? She hasn't even seen my best yet. For some reason I have more self confidence that I ever have. That is not saying much it's a start anyway.
Why doesn't she want to see what I have to give anymore? Shit, I am single. A 30 year old intern who is going back to college and is soon to be divorced. I'm balding, 30 pounds overweight with self confidence issues.
"Hey ladies, the live starts over here to my right"
At least I still have my sense of humor, which is fading with everyday I don't speak to someone in person.
Life sucks!

The last night

My 3 best friends can't/won't make it to the overall city for the move out! Am I that shitty of a friend? I guess I didn't make it obvious that I need friends this weekend. JB is coming though. Why the fuck is JB coming? I've been a shitty friend to him since he quit drinking. Fuck, JB will drive us, he don't mind. I never made a point of seeing him in the last few years when I went back to MN. But he is coming. He's leaving at 4:30am, that's a friend right there.
I tell her that this is it. The marriage is over starting tomorrow. She tells me that it's been over for a while now. We agree to disagree for the sake of not arguing tonight. Will we have sex one last time? It's been since May. It's the week after labor day now. We start to pack my things. She has the kitchen already separated. We go the basement. We are done in 2 hours and we start to talk. It's nice to talk to her now. She is happier knowing I'll be gone tomorrow. She tries to go to bed.
We hug. I don't want to let go. She tries to leave, I squeeze tighter. This is probably the hug she always wanted from me that I never gave her until now. I know once I let go the marriage is over! I let go and with tears in my eyes say goodnight and go downstairs to cry and punch the air.
I made a 6 song CD and put it in her car for her to listen to. It was my goodbye CD to her. It was a poor effort but I didn't have much time anymore. The next day she was going to meet a "friend" who is a guy. She was staying at his house cause he lives near the Dells. Why did she have to tell me that? How could she move on already? And on the day I move out.
Somehow I fall asleep in the house that I thought I'd live in for at least the next 10 years. Tomorrow is going to suck.

The call

Please let Dad pick up! Please let Dad pick up! Please let "Hi Dad, how are you?" "Good how are you?" "Well physically I'm OK, is Mom around too?" "No, she is in the shower. What's up?" "Well Kate gave me divorce papers yesterday"
That conversation went better than I thought it would. He was supportive and caring and if I had eaten that day I'm pretty sure i would have puked right there in the living room that was soon to be no longer mine.
FUCK!!! Now it was real! I asked her if she felt a wave of hatred? She knew right away I told my folks. She seemed relieved. I asked her if she had changed her mind. She walked away. I guess she had not. LOL!
Time to get drunk...again
I look for places in secret. I tell my neighbor. She blows up at me for not moving out yet. I tell her normally the person that wants out of the marriage leaves. THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT!!! I had signed a contract for an apartment by the weeks end. This made her happy and made me feel worse.
I had never had someone hate me before. Knowingly anyway. I've pissed Shane off before but that was a roommate stupid drunk fight. It wasn't a forever thing.
Shit, this was my first time breaking up with a girl!! I was hoping I could go through life never doing that. I don't want to be divorced!! This was the girl I lost my virginity to. I had thought I might like to try sex with other girls but never wanted that to come true. I don't want to date! I sucked at it the forst time around. Why would i be better at it now? I was pissed now! I saw her through school, cancer, her Dad's death, her Aunt's death, I moved to Oshkosh, I gave up a good job, we bought a house 4 doors down from her mom, she got sick again with Addison's disease and I was there. Who the fuck else was going to do that for her? I get depressed for 10 months and she gets pissed at me. Doesn't help me, gets angry and wants a break. That snapped me out of my depression. Damn I'm angry now! Why does she get to change her mind and I'm supposed to jump 10 feet to make it happen quickly. Fuck that! I'm doing what i need to do.
Lets get drunk!!!
Holy shit the summer is going by fast. I'm moving out soon. And all she can do is be happy about it. Why is this not affecting her with saddness. She is like a robot. no emotion, no nothing. This is not the person I married.
Please, yes I'll have another 7&7

Grief

I was staying home from the bars. I was doing things around the house. She was not saying anything. WHY!!!? She was going out. I tried to get her to go with me for 7 years and now she goes out until 3am. WTF? If I do this she will come back to me I tell myself. H & A confirm this. They knew it was bullshit but its what I wanted to hear. I research Grief. What a fucked up ride I'm in for. I already hate it and I want off. I'm reading The Five Languages of Love. This pissed her off even more than she was before. She had asked me to read that book 3 years ago I guess. I kinda remember when she reminds me. But that was when she she had cancer and her Dad just died. Well it was after that but it finally hit me what happened. I had blocked my feelings during that time to be strong for her. That time of my life happened but I was a zombie. Too much had happened in a short time that and I never dealt with my feelings. it messed me up. She doesn't get that though because it didn't "happen to me" I realize i didn't have cancer and my Dad didn't die. But it still affected me. Big time in fact.
I go back to the counselor. We talk about telling my parents and he tells me I need to think about moving out to move on with my life.
I go to Arkansas for a wedding. I come home to divorce papers. Mother Fucker!

My first therapy session

I had gone back to the counselor that she and I went to once. I didn't like him. He didn't want me there and I wasn't ready to help myself. I don't count that as the first one.
I walked into the school's counseling center feeling like a loser. I swear everyone knew I wasn't wearing my ring anymore. They could see I was rejected by my wife and that I should be put on an island somewhere where rejects go. I was a failure. I was sick of talking about it to my friends and was sure they were too. I was the party pooper.; My family still didn't know. "Hi, I'm here to see...." The nice lady said "Could you fill these out and bring them back to me?" What do you hope to get out of this session? I answer, I want to know why my wife is leaving me! It made sense to me. This guy had answers and I wanted them. I get into the office and talked straight for 1 hour and 5 minutes. It felt good just to get it out. He told me I was going through grief. That kinda made sense. I had gone through denial and was in the bargaining phase. I'm glad I went. I make another appointment.

The aftermath

That happy feeling didn't last very long. Depression soon engulfed me. All my confidence was gone. I tried to stay numb by drinking myself to sleep every night. We are living together in the same house but are trying our best to avoid each other. If we do see each other all I do is ask why this is happening. I don't understand at all, she doesn't understand why I don't get it. We frustrate each other. I'm not moving out. She'll change her mind. She just needs some space. Although my nightly habits of inebriation probably just confirm her decision. But I can't stand the pain. All I do at work is stare out the window. Why hasn't someone asked me what's wrong at work. My eyes are red, I come in late, I'm unproductive. Am i that good of an actor? Give me that Oscar if that is the case. I'd like to thank my parents for being way too overprotective that I lied almost everyday about what i was doing. i didn't do anything bad, it just became easier to lie because that is what I was used. I still lie every now and then. I don't like it anymore, I have this guilt inside me from all of it. I didn't ever lie to my wife though. Unless it was about a present I was going to get her. I always tried to get her a little mad at me and then give her the gift. It was a fun game and still kept lying skills sharp. I'm glad to say they are dull now and I don't intend to sharpen them anytime soon. Though I'm tempted the truth feels better. I'm off topic. I finally tell my supervisor that my wife to gets divorced. He's sympathetic and receptive and says he doesn't have a position for me. I tell the agency I'm employed thru. They give me a raise and promise to help me out. I'm appreciative but I'm still numb. One of them suggest I go to a therapist through the school. He says it should be free. I think that is a good idea. I have two brothers that went through this and to me it seemed like they were still dealing with it. I didn't want that to be me in 3 years. So I swallow my pride and call the counseling center. My appointment is in a week. They ask me if I suicidal. I say no, I'm not but I think sometimes it would make the pain go away but it's not serious. I could never do it. My confidence is gorwing. My friends are awesome! They keep checking in on me. And one friend that I thought wouldn't is actually the best at it. Thanks for all the texts H! You don't know how much they helped. I have some good friends here in WI too. They won't let me sit in my cave all day. I still haven't told my folks yet. It will seem to real if I do. Plus then I know it will be over.

The Session

I was ready. I had used all my skills that I learned in my speech class. It was like it was meant to be. I constructed the perfect speech of how much she meant to me. I got to the shrink's office 45 min early to go over it and practice. It just made sense at the time. She walks into the office late as usual. We go into the room and sit down. We are in a triangle formation so we can see each other. She goes first. Says how she is over it and some other shit that I can't remember. The shrink tells me that normally when someone is at this point that the marriage is over. I ask if I can say a few words that I prepared. I'm actually doing it! Normally I'd chicken out. I pour my heart out. I cry, I laugh, I mean every word I say. Finally I'm saying what I want without a filter or a worry. This has to be working. She is responding well I think. Probably because she knows how hard this is for me. When I'm done, the shrink asks if anything I said has changed her mind. She says "No" I'm crushed. My heart had never been broken before. Cracked yes, but this was a new feeling. Dear God it sucked ass. They both are talking at me, saying it's not my fault, nothing I could have done would've saved the marriage. We never should have got married I'm told. That does NOT make me feel better. She and I walk out of the office together to our separate cars. She asks if I'm OK. I say "No" I think, I really can't remember though. I drive home. I'm on auto pilot. I think about the movie Tommy Boy and the line "drive this car into a god damn bridge..." It seems like a good way to go at the time. That would get her. Maybe she'd feel half as bad as I do right now. I meet my neighbor at the bar. It's time to self medicate. Little did I know this was the beginning of the rollercoaster ride that was the worst-best summer of my life. I didn't go to school or work the next day. I couldn't deal with life that day. My professor was really cool about it. I still need to tell her that. I laid on the couch all day wondering what the hell I was going to do. I was fucked. I was still in school, I had a part time time job. What the hell was I supposed to do. Why did we buy the house if she felt like this last year? Then it hit me that I don't have to put up with that part of her anymore. And I'm strangley happy. I tell my brothers back in MN about the events and they are supposrtive as they can be. We are guys for fucks sake. They are shocked I think. Maybe I'm not receptive. Why doesn't someone say she is a crazy bitch for wanting to leave you? No one would say this to me for a long while. And really only one person has to my face. And I had to ask her. What didn't I see that everybosy else did?

Mexico

I thought it was a good idea for her to go on a girls trip to Mexico. i could tell she was stressed and she had worked very hard over the last 1.5 years and when was the opportunity of a free condo in Puerto Vallarta going to come up again. Who cares if we didn't really have the money or wanted it to spend it on the kitchen. I thought she needed it and to be honest so did I. We were having a rough patch and she was being a real bitch. There was always something to yell at me about. And I in turn went into my normal "walking on eggshell" routine. Not addressing the issue but avoiding it at all costs. Hiding my feelings and then lashing out when she did something wrong. Why? Oh well, at least I can see did it so I don't do it again. Anyway she was gone and I was in speech class. Before she left I asked her for help on a speech. I needed three things to talk about. One from my past, one from my present, and one from the future. I had the first two items, a watch from my past. To remind me to not wear one, I was much too uptight when I wore one, this could be a whole other blog in itself. 2nd, a coffe mug from my current employer signifing the fact that I made a good ecision to go back to school because i actually like going to work now, still do! 3rd, I could not think of. I always have trouble seeing the future for myself. I think i'm an expert when its other people, well used to anyway. This whole thing has changed me for the better overall. She mentions that I should get a diaper from her sister and bring that because we will have kids in the future. This eases my mind about her going on the trip. I know everything will be OK when she gets home. I take her to the airport. Not much emotion from either of us. I reflect on the way home, it's 1.5 hour drive to Oshkosh from Milwaukee. I've been an ass the last few months. Why am I not being the man I want to be. I'm tired of caring about what other people think. I let strangers dictate my life rather than the people who really care about me. I'm gonna change I tell myself. The weird thing is that feeling didn't go away like it usually does. On Sunday i make more plans to change. And really its not changing because I've always thought about doing them but always held back because i was too chicken shit to do them for fear someone would make fun of me. Shit I get made fun of everyday and give it right back. Why would it be different? It finally sinks in. Why did it take 30 years? I wonder if she is OK. No call or email for 3 days. Finally I get one from her friend's email. I guess communication is primitive and expensive. No big deal, I'm in love all over again and am gonna prove it when she gets back. The week goes by fairly quick. I go to get her at midnight. The plane is delayed and she doesn't get in until 3am. I see her coming down the hall. I kinda hide because I'm nervous again. Mother fucker, why am I nervous? She is my wife and I'm nervous to show emotion in public, FUCK!!! I haven't changed at all. She sees me and gives me a fake smile and the quickest kiss she has ever given me. Something is wrong. i chalk it up to a long flight filled with scary events. The plane almost landed at milwaukee but a big gust of wind came and they couldn't land. I guess it shook a lot of poeople on the plane up. Though she'd never admit it. She had something else on her mind. Something more life changing for her and I. We get her bags and are driving home. i was dying to know if she had time to think. She said yes but didn't want to talk about it. I had to know so I asked more questions. She said it wasn't good. I knew what that meant. She wanted a break. We didn't talk for the rest of the trip home. I pretended that conversation didn't happen the next day. I tried to make out with her and then make love. She pushed me away so i had to know exactly what she was thinking. We sat on the couch. She told me she wanted a divorce. I said "No!" she said "Yes" that she was sorry. She wasn't going to tell me until school was over for the semester but I kept asking. Why didn't i keep my mouth shut? I could have made it better in two weeks with my new outlook on life. I had 2 weeks left of school. The first week I was numb. I thought I could fix it. She agreed to go to a counselor. I could fix it. She moved to our guest bed 2 nights later. I cried for the first time in years. Real tears, what was happening? I didn't ask for this! Holy shit she was serious, i don't want to be divorced. This was me, the guy girls didn't want to date in high school but the kind of guy they wanted to marry. I was married and didn't anyone else. I had made plans while she was gone and wanted to follow through with them. OMG, I am fucked!! What happens when we are dead and we go to heaven? Will she be with me or with someone else? I AM FUCKED! I can fix this. Just get me to that counselors office with her and we can work this out. She just has a screw loose. I finally fall asleep.