The aftermath

That happy feeling didn't last very long. Depression soon engulfed me. All my confidence was gone. I tried to stay numb by drinking myself to sleep every night. We are living together in the same house but are trying our best to avoid each other. If we do see each other all I do is ask why this is happening. I don't understand at all, she doesn't understand why I don't get it. We frustrate each other. I'm not moving out. She'll change her mind. She just needs some space. Although my nightly habits of inebriation probably just confirm her decision. But I can't stand the pain. All I do at work is stare out the window. Why hasn't someone asked me what's wrong at work. My eyes are red, I come in late, I'm unproductive. Am i that good of an actor? Give me that Oscar if that is the case. I'd like to thank my parents for being way too overprotective that I lied almost everyday about what i was doing. i didn't do anything bad, it just became easier to lie because that is what I was used. I still lie every now and then. I don't like it anymore, I have this guilt inside me from all of it. I didn't ever lie to my wife though. Unless it was about a present I was going to get her. I always tried to get her a little mad at me and then give her the gift. It was a fun game and still kept lying skills sharp. I'm glad to say they are dull now and I don't intend to sharpen them anytime soon. Though I'm tempted the truth feels better. I'm off topic. I finally tell my supervisor that my wife to gets divorced. He's sympathetic and receptive and says he doesn't have a position for me. I tell the agency I'm employed thru. They give me a raise and promise to help me out. I'm appreciative but I'm still numb. One of them suggest I go to a therapist through the school. He says it should be free. I think that is a good idea. I have two brothers that went through this and to me it seemed like they were still dealing with it. I didn't want that to be me in 3 years. So I swallow my pride and call the counseling center. My appointment is in a week. They ask me if I suicidal. I say no, I'm not but I think sometimes it would make the pain go away but it's not serious. I could never do it. My confidence is gorwing. My friends are awesome! They keep checking in on me. And one friend that I thought wouldn't is actually the best at it. Thanks for all the texts H! You don't know how much they helped. I have some good friends here in WI too. They won't let me sit in my cave all day. I still haven't told my folks yet. It will seem to real if I do. Plus then I know it will be over.