The Session

I was ready. I had used all my skills that I learned in my speech class. It was like it was meant to be. I constructed the perfect speech of how much she meant to me. I got to the shrink's office 45 min early to go over it and practice. It just made sense at the time. She walks into the office late as usual. We go into the room and sit down. We are in a triangle formation so we can see each other. She goes first. Says how she is over it and some other shit that I can't remember. The shrink tells me that normally when someone is at this point that the marriage is over. I ask if I can say a few words that I prepared. I'm actually doing it! Normally I'd chicken out. I pour my heart out. I cry, I laugh, I mean every word I say. Finally I'm saying what I want without a filter or a worry. This has to be working. She is responding well I think. Probably because she knows how hard this is for me. When I'm done, the shrink asks if anything I said has changed her mind. She says "No" I'm crushed. My heart had never been broken before. Cracked yes, but this was a new feeling. Dear God it sucked ass. They both are talking at me, saying it's not my fault, nothing I could have done would've saved the marriage. We never should have got married I'm told. That does NOT make me feel better. She and I walk out of the office together to our separate cars. She asks if I'm OK. I say "No" I think, I really can't remember though. I drive home. I'm on auto pilot. I think about the movie Tommy Boy and the line "drive this car into a god damn bridge..." It seems like a good way to go at the time. That would get her. Maybe she'd feel half as bad as I do right now. I meet my neighbor at the bar. It's time to self medicate. Little did I know this was the beginning of the rollercoaster ride that was the worst-best summer of my life. I didn't go to school or work the next day. I couldn't deal with life that day. My professor was really cool about it. I still need to tell her that. I laid on the couch all day wondering what the hell I was going to do. I was fucked. I was still in school, I had a part time time job. What the hell was I supposed to do. Why did we buy the house if she felt like this last year? Then it hit me that I don't have to put up with that part of her anymore. And I'm strangley happy. I tell my brothers back in MN about the events and they are supposrtive as they can be. We are guys for fucks sake. They are shocked I think. Maybe I'm not receptive. Why doesn't someone say she is a crazy bitch for wanting to leave you? No one would say this to me for a long while. And really only one person has to my face. And I had to ask her. What didn't I see that everybosy else did?