Mexico

I thought it was a good idea for her to go on a girls trip to Mexico. i could tell she was stressed and she had worked very hard over the last 1.5 years and when was the opportunity of a free condo in Puerto Vallarta going to come up again. Who cares if we didn't really have the money or wanted it to spend it on the kitchen. I thought she needed it and to be honest so did I. We were having a rough patch and she was being a real bitch. There was always something to yell at me about. And I in turn went into my normal "walking on eggshell" routine. Not addressing the issue but avoiding it at all costs. Hiding my feelings and then lashing out when she did something wrong. Why? Oh well, at least I can see did it so I don't do it again. Anyway she was gone and I was in speech class. Before she left I asked her for help on a speech. I needed three things to talk about. One from my past, one from my present, and one from the future. I had the first two items, a watch from my past. To remind me to not wear one, I was much too uptight when I wore one, this could be a whole other blog in itself. 2nd, a coffe mug from my current employer signifing the fact that I made a good ecision to go back to school because i actually like going to work now, still do! 3rd, I could not think of. I always have trouble seeing the future for myself. I think i'm an expert when its other people, well used to anyway. This whole thing has changed me for the better overall. She mentions that I should get a diaper from her sister and bring that because we will have kids in the future. This eases my mind about her going on the trip. I know everything will be OK when she gets home. I take her to the airport. Not much emotion from either of us. I reflect on the way home, it's 1.5 hour drive to Oshkosh from Milwaukee. I've been an ass the last few months. Why am I not being the man I want to be. I'm tired of caring about what other people think. I let strangers dictate my life rather than the people who really care about me. I'm gonna change I tell myself. The weird thing is that feeling didn't go away like it usually does. On Sunday i make more plans to change. And really its not changing because I've always thought about doing them but always held back because i was too chicken shit to do them for fear someone would make fun of me. Shit I get made fun of everyday and give it right back. Why would it be different? It finally sinks in. Why did it take 30 years? I wonder if she is OK. No call or email for 3 days. Finally I get one from her friend's email. I guess communication is primitive and expensive. No big deal, I'm in love all over again and am gonna prove it when she gets back. The week goes by fairly quick. I go to get her at midnight. The plane is delayed and she doesn't get in until 3am. I see her coming down the hall. I kinda hide because I'm nervous again. Mother fucker, why am I nervous? She is my wife and I'm nervous to show emotion in public, FUCK!!! I haven't changed at all. She sees me and gives me a fake smile and the quickest kiss she has ever given me. Something is wrong. i chalk it up to a long flight filled with scary events. The plane almost landed at milwaukee but a big gust of wind came and they couldn't land. I guess it shook a lot of poeople on the plane up. Though she'd never admit it. She had something else on her mind. Something more life changing for her and I. We get her bags and are driving home. i was dying to know if she had time to think. She said yes but didn't want to talk about it. I had to know so I asked more questions. She said it wasn't good. I knew what that meant. She wanted a break. We didn't talk for the rest of the trip home. I pretended that conversation didn't happen the next day. I tried to make out with her and then make love. She pushed me away so i had to know exactly what she was thinking. We sat on the couch. She told me she wanted a divorce. I said "No!" she said "Yes" that she was sorry. She wasn't going to tell me until school was over for the semester but I kept asking. Why didn't i keep my mouth shut? I could have made it better in two weeks with my new outlook on life. I had 2 weeks left of school. The first week I was numb. I thought I could fix it. She agreed to go to a counselor. I could fix it. She moved to our guest bed 2 nights later. I cried for the first time in years. Real tears, what was happening? I didn't ask for this! Holy shit she was serious, i don't want to be divorced. This was me, the guy girls didn't want to date in high school but the kind of guy they wanted to marry. I was married and didn't anyone else. I had made plans while she was gone and wanted to follow through with them. OMG, I am fucked!! What happens when we are dead and we go to heaven? Will she be with me or with someone else? I AM FUCKED! I can fix this. Just get me to that counselors office with her and we can work this out. She just has a screw loose. I finally fall asleep.